Why Don't We Get Drunk?
by Ben Barrett
Summary: Stan and Kyle get drunk because they don't want to be in another bad slash story. Style. Songfic. Oneshot.


**A Note From Ben: Another one of my songfics that rip on songfics and bad slash stories. Hope you enjoy it.**

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**Disclaimer:**** I don't own South Park or the song _Why Don't We Get Drunk_ by Jimmy Buffett. Duh. **

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**Why Don't We Get Drunk?  
**by Ben Barrett

_**I really do appreciate the fact you're sittin' here  
Your voice sounds so wonderful  
But your face don't look too clear**_

Stan looked at Kyle over the table. His friend looked pissed as hell, and honestly Stan didn't think he could really be blamed for that. They were being written into yet another slash story, after all, and that was something that neither of them enjoyed. After all, how many times would they really have to endure going through the same thing over and over again before people finally got burned out on it?

"I don't know why we even bother beating around the bush anymore, Stan," Kyle said. "This thing will most likely carry on for several chapters, most of which will be poorly written, before we inevitably end up in bed together."

"That's not true," Stan countered. "Don't you see the specially formatted text? This isn't just any poorly written slash story. This is a songfic. That means that anything that happens between us will take place between the lyrics of someone else's copyrighted song, which will probably be used as a time lapse."

"Damn it!" Kyle snarled, banging the table with his fist. "If there's anything worse that a poorly written story, it's a poorly written slash story, and if there's anything worse that a poorly written slash story, it's a poorly written _songfic_ slash story.

"Yeah," Stan said, "this story sucks already."

_**So, Barmaid, bring a pitcher, another round of brew  
Honey, why don't we get drunk and screw. **_

Kyle looked down at the tabletop. He didn't want to be in this awful songfic, but he knew he didn't really have a choice. That meant that the only way to get out of it and move on to something else would be to submit to everyone else's desires. He would have to fuck Stan if he ever wanted to see the light of day again.

"I hate this," Kyle said. "People get all horny thinking about the two of us getting it on, and then make us perform for them like a couple of trained monkeys. It's fucking degrading."

"I agree, Stan said.

"So how about we just get down to it?" Kyle suggested. "Let's just fuck and get it over with."

"Wh-what?" Stan exclaimed, completely shocked. "You think we should…?"

"Yeah, I do, or this story will just keep going on forever and ever."

Stan bit his lip nervously. He knew that Kyle was right. They would have to do the nasty. Hell, as slashy as South Park stories were getting, they'd probably have to do the nasty repeatedly, until they were both sore and begging for the fans to go take cold showers and let them be. Still, he wasn't going to do this unless he was absolutely sure that he wouldn't be able to remember any of it when it was all over.

"I need booze," Stan said.

"Booze?" Kyle repeated, confused.

"Yes, booze. Booze, booze, booze. Because the only way I'll _ever_ be able to sleep with you is if I'm shitfaced drunk."

"Good point," Kyle agreed. "In that case, I think I'll have a drink or twenty myself."

_**Why don't we get drunk and screw  
I just bought a waterbed filled up for me and you**_

"Theeeere's that time lapse," Stan slurred, downing his twelfth Corona. "Fugg yeah! Two lines of a song, and we're already trashed."

Kyle laughed and blew spit bubbles with his lips.

"Dude," he said, "I tink we're wassed 'nuff to get started."

"No way," Stan said. "We'll neffer be wass'd 'nuff to do _that_."

They looked at each other and started giggling madly. They had no idea why they were giggling. God, there was nothing funny about their situation at all. They were quickly running out of excuses. If they drank anymore, they'd probably wind up passing out. If they stopped drinking then they'd find themselves, through the magic of time lapses and scene transitions, fucking each other's brains out before they knew what hit them.

"We gotta stop laff'n," Kyle said through his giggles.

"I know, I know," Stan said, trying desperately to stop, "but I can't."

This only made them both laugh harder, and before either of them knew it, Stan fell out of his chair and wound up in a giggling, twitching heap on the floor. Kyle got out of his chair and crawled over on his hands and knees, giggling all the way. Oh, he just knew he was going to regret getting down on his knees in a slash story, but he couldn't help it. Stan's behaviour was just too hysterical. Besides, he was so drunk that his inhibitions were gone, and he thought that what his friend was doing looked like a lot of fun.

_**  
They say you are a snuff queen, Honey, I don't think that's true  
So, why don't we get drunk and screw.**_

"I've never had s'much fun inna slash story b'fore," Stan said.

"Me, neither," Kyle agreed, throwing himself down on the floor next to him.

"Izzis the part where we has sex?"

Kyle looked over at him, and the paragraph ended.

"We've still got three setsa lyr'cs t' go through," he said. "How we gon'fill all that with us havin'sex?"

"By fillin' space with shit. Watchis…."

Stan raised his eyebrows.

Then he put them back down again.

Stan liked pie a lot.

Who liked pie more than Stan?

Nobody, except maybe for Cartman.

Cartman was a big fatass.

Scooby Doo, where are you?!

_**Why don't we get drunk and screw  
I just bought a waterbed filled up for me and you**_

"Thatuz really good, dude," Kyle said, impressed.

"Yeah," Stan said, "but we don't have time to do any more of it."

"We don't?"

"Nope, our time is up."

That was the last thing Kyle wanted to hear. That meant that after the next set of lyrics, they'd be having sex. He didn't want to have sex with Stan. It was so…gay, and who ever heard of a fucking gay Jew? Jeff Goldblum didn't count, because he wasn't out of the closet yet. That meant that the only gay Jews were….well, he doubted any existed, and even if they did, he was too drunk to think of their names.

_**They say you are a snuff queen, Honey, I don't think that's true  
So, why don't we get drunk and screw.**_

And then there was sex. Yes, that's awfully abrupt, isn't it? Still, this is what you've been waiting for, right? People don't read slash for the story, or the depth of the characters. They read slash because they want Stan and Kyle to get it on. They did, too. They got it on, and it was not just sex. It was what the more…sophisticated…would refer to as "hot pig sex". Oh, yeah. You know what that is, don't you? (Insert pig squeals here)

As for the details of the act, it would be much better to let you imagine how it occurred on your own. You will be left with this hint, however: it involved the end of a Coke bottle and a turkey baster….

…and a block of Velveeta Cheese.

_**Yeah, now baby I say, (Lord!)  
Why don't we get drunk and screw.**_


End file.
